Whether you’re mimicking the movies or what you assume are other couples’ intimacy patterns, it’s easy to feel pressured to have more sex in your relationship. Society has insidiously instilled the notion that the healthiest relationships are the ones with the most frequent intimacy. When you’re having a low sex drive chapter, it can seem like everyone is getting it on but you. You may question your desirability and internalize the sentiment, feeling like you’re not doing enough.

But in actuality, the frequency of intimacy between partners fluctuates depending on several factors. This varies from heterosexual to queer couples, from unmarried couples to parents, from remote workers to full-time employees. Some couples find that the number sexual encounters change depending on the month and season, with many external variables at play. With that in mind, 21Ninety talked to a handful of real-life couples who land everywhere on the spectrum. They shared what’s really going on behind closed doors.

Real-Life Couples Answer: How Often Are You Intimate?

From same-sex couples to new parents to couples in their 60s, here are some real answers from real people to the question “How much sex are actually you having?”

I’ve been with my partner for 12 years and found that we usually mimic my cycle; three to four times a week around ovulation and follicular, and zero to two times a week during luteal and menstrual.

Clearly enough to have two kids under two! We’re usually having sex around twice a week if we’re not too tired after work.

Once a week! It was a lot more before we started living together because it’s actually real life now and not just fun on the weekends.

Honestly maybe three times a month, we have a two-year-old child now.

Minimum three times a week.

I’m on the asexual spectrum, so it varies. Sometimes we’ll have a lot of it back to back, and then we’ll go months without it and prioritize pleasure in other ways. I think personally I had to navigate the shame of not wanting to have as much sex as my peers. Being queer, we often grow up suppressing, so I think when I was younger, I played into hypersexuality to fit in.

We go through our phases; some months it’s three to four times a week, and other months it’s only one time a week.

One to two times a week.

My partner and I have sex at least once a day every day.

At least 5 times a week. I’m 58 and he’s older; intimacy is the glue for our successful relationship.

Two to four times a month.

At least once a day, three max.

I live with my partner so it’s usually about three to four times a week.

A few times a week but it’s only over Facetime.

We’re newlyweds, so it’s three to four times a week.

Four to five times a week pre-kid, two times a week post-kid.

Since we’ve been living together it’s been much less, about two times a week. But birth control has also really impacted that.

Now that we’re long distance, none, but before, it was every day.

One; we honestly just don’t have the time for more.

Two to three times a week.

Do What’s Best For You

The biggest takeaway is this: there’s no certain amount of times a couple “should” be getting intimate. And with that, there’s no amount that’s deemed “healthy.” You may have little ones running around and a taxing 9 to 5 job. Or you may live medium distance away and can only see each other on the weekends. So long as you communicate your needs, do whatever works best for you and relinquish any external pressure to be more (or less!) sexually active. No one is worried about what’s going on in your bedroom, so don’t be pressured by what may be going on in anyone else’s.